79weeks(19months) post 1st op and 49weeks (11months) post the second-

Monday we saw Mr Mehta for my sisters 6 weeks check up and we also saw him for me at the same time for a results! (lucky him...I think not!) to start off jem's back is looking lovely!  she is having to have a few tests done because of her pain though, she had the xray when we were there and the CT scan Friday, so we are now just waiting for the Ultra sounds scan and the follow up appointment:)

I do have some good news for me though! my spine does seemed to have fused!!!! weheyyy!  also my Ultra sound scan came back that they couldn't find anything wrong with my shoulder and why it hurts, so im having to go see shoulder specialist. I also asked him to measure my post op xrays and guess what? im so proud and happy! my kyphosis has gone from 95degrees to 55degrees! yay!

Im still not able to do anything with the ponies :( its a shame really as the show jumping season starts in may and I really wanted to go to my local shows again, like I did before my operation, infact I was hoping for everything to be able to go back to 'normal' but I guess not. I really do miss it to be honest, I haven't rode properly for 19 months! longest time I have ever gone.

its quite funny really, when first talking about the operation when I was 16/17 my consultant at the time said id be able to go back to it at 6-12months then it was more like 12months now its been longer and im still not on board:(

It seems everything revolves around weight and what is said on the scales, cant do anything until I gain weight but that in its self is so so so hard! im petrified im going to be fat, I don't want to look in the mirror and see fat rolls like I did before, its hard for someone else to understand, I know people who  are thinking 'its only a bit of weight, it wont be that hard to put on' its not just about the physical change its about the mental change as well, I have accept it, which at the moment im finding so hard to do. to me its a scary prospect. It will be hard to accept it and it will be even harder to gain the weight.. to get to the weight my Gp wanted me I have to put on 9kg!! to get a BMI of 18.5 (minimum of healthy weight) I have to put on 5kg, that's going to take a lot of food!

I saw my Gp on Tuesday, and she is really happy the tablets are starting to help with my anxiety but she also mentioned something else she has been thinking of since meeting me back in September. She is thinking that I have a learning disability! again how could that be possible and how can people only just if picked up on it? it doesn't make much sense to be honest, anyway to her it does and she is going through all my medical records in the next week or so and ill see her in the next few weeks, if she does really think I have one then she is sending me to see a learning disability specialist.

why cant anything seem to be going good at the moment? it seems I just get bad news after bad news!
not good at all.
ive included a photo of my post op xray:D so happy
Kirsty xxxx

78weeks(19months) post first op and 48 weeks (11months) post the second operation- )

So on Monday I saw my CPN again, I haven't seen her since well before Christmas so this appointment was overdue.. So I though.. Apparently now because I am seeing a CBT therapist I am no longer allowed to see her and have appointments with her, it seems all the time and work, I've put in for her (thoughts sheets, feeling sheets) were a waste, she couldn't even look at them as it would be classed as interfering!  I am only allowed to go back o see her if I don't think CBT is working ( and even then she can't do much!). I find CBT ok I guess, I don't always understand what he is on about and some of it goes over my head but I dont think I've done it longer enough for it to help...I only have 3 or 4 sessions left, so I don't know where to go from tere to be honest. The flouxetine seems to be helping with my anxiety a bit, it's not as bad as it was. It's still there but I feel slightly happier and calmer, which is lovely!!!

Tuesday I went to my pain management appointment and there isn't really anything else apart from lasering every few monts they can do:/ I doubt I can stand leaving it for a long time, I keep getting flare ups. The PM doctor can also only suggest meds to my GP to help ( because of my other tablets I'm on) so I don't think I'll be allowed those.

Tomorrow is a new week- woo!! We are seeing mr Mehta tomorrow for an emergency appointment- my sister is having some trouble since her operation so our GP wants her to get check out as soon as really, meaning I get the dreaded SPECT ct scan ad then my ultra sound results off my physio as I have that tomorrow too!-  going to be a hell of a stressful long day.

Kirsty:) xxx

Mental Health Awareness day- time to talk, time to change.

So today is Mental Health Awareness day, so I guess I'll do my part and talk about my own problems dealing with anxiety.
I don't always share how I feel with my anxiety because everyday is a battle, every day I go through the same sick to my stomach feeling of worry and dread that something terrible is going to happen, I can't go even an hour with out constantly panicking about something, 'have I done this,that?, omg this isn't right, the whole day is going to go bad now'. The annoying nervousness and worry of silly things, that everyone would take for granted, like going to a shop and buying something, or goingin to a fast food place and ordering things, it makes me just want to curl in a ball and hide. I can't cope with noisey, crowded places, that are full of people, I fill up with fear and dread and I can't dal with it.
The worst thing for me is answering the phone and talking to someone, it terrifies me, I just want to go hide and I want the whole world to swallow me up, my stomach starts to churn and I feel sick, panic and get really hot. I just can't cope with the feels so I aviod using the phone and calling people.

Ive recently started a new antidepressant, fluoxetine 20mg to try and lift my mood and try and help me cope with the feelings better, I started them Tuesday and they should start working with the next few weeks, let's hope they can help this time as citalopram 10mg didn't help at all. I just had all the side affects, which wasn't pleasant to say the least.
Anxiety can make someone feel quite isolated really, as no one really can quite understand it or how someone feels, I know a lot of people say its stupid and I am over reacting but the fear,dread,feelings are real!
I'll update you on how my weeks gone in the next up coming days:)
Kirsty xxxxxx

77weeks (18months) post 1st op and 47weeks post 2nd-

Following on from last weeks post I'm going to write something that's been on my mind a lot since I saw my CBT therapist for he first time Wednesday.
I've been thinking a lot about feelings, words and reactions, my CBT therapist wanted to get an idea of how I thought about myself and how I see the way I looked/felt and the actions that came after and a big thing that came up was self worth, like how much you are liked by people and how you judge your worthiness by that, well this is how by therapist got me to think of it, not everyone needs to like you and you are going to like everyone, just because 1 person like you and thinks your stupid/ worthless that doesn't mean everyone, the whole world does, there are plenty of people who like you for you. He got me to think of my college course and think about why people liked me there, it wasn't because of the way I looked or the way I acted, it was because we had a common interest which I think helped. They actually like me for me, they didn't push me away because I was different.

Everyone is there own person, not everyone is the same, it's what make us unique and us, well, us.  Nobody, your friends shouldnt care how you look, or define you by height, weight, or how you look. If they do then, they aren't friends at all. When you are feeling down, sad, depressed, upset just think about all the good things that make you, you, like your smile, your laugh, it could be anything. If it els repeat it out load- sound silly right? But try it it may help! CBT therapy is all about looking at how you think and act, challenging it then changing it. Which might help.

I know this post is a little off topic but in ways it's not. It's a living problem people have to face.
I just want people to know they are not alone and like for me there's People that can and do help.
Kirsty xxxx