2 years 11months post op-

Its nearly three years since my operation, which is amazing, it actually feels unreal! evrything with me me is going good so far, Ive had to have a few weeks off work while they sort a sutible placement for me to go on as they feel like that being on a ward will be too much wear and tear on my spine,  im hopefully going back soon! I am wanting to do more with max so the plan is too get out and about more and get him and me in shape, im happy with the p;rogress we both are making:)
I am managing the pain that i am having with a mixture of different things (heat, tigar balm, cocodamol) and so far it is lessening it. we are doing a yard funraiser next week for SAUK, we will be doing a yard ride, tombola and telling cakes in hope that we will raise some money!

Yesterday jemma passed her driving test!! im so happy that after all the rubbish she has been through since her operation something good has happened, we went to RNOH monday and they said because she is a complex case they want to have meeting to decide how they can help.how

Im having alot of body comfidence issues lately, i really hate how my body looks since i gained the weight back, i just feel so ugly the only thing i do love is my scar! recovering from an eating disorder is so hard.

kirsty:) xxx

32 months post-

Things are starting to hopefully look up for me and jemma! Jemma had some good news from Stanmore which Is that they are trying to come up with a plan to hopefully to get her better, they have a few ideas in mind but they want another SPECT CT scan first, which will be done down London. everyone at Stanmore have been very helpful so far so we are hoping for good things <3

Secondly I have some news regarding my operation, I received a date to have my operation on the 24th of may but I have now decided that I will give it 6 months before having it, why you may ask??? I HAVE AN APPRENTICESHIP! I start on the 23rd of may, I cant believe it im so so so excited! its at a hospital training to become a healthcare assistant, its a year long thing 37.5 hours a week and im feeling hopeful that my back will be ok! I am now taking 2 8mg cocodamol when I need it, which is helping.

we also have moved our pony max to a new yard, this one haindoor and a outdoor school and beautiful hacking, im loving it there already! max is thriving and I feel like I can start to do things with him. ill post a few pictures below on how we are doing.

I have come to the decision to discharge myself, from all mental health services as im scared it will go against me with my up coming OT assessment for work. I wont have time to commit to appointments so I think it will be for the best,
I am scared to be honest, im worried I wont cope and ill relapse with my eating disorder, even now the thoughts are still there, and can be very loud. I really want to keep my promise to jimbo and keep at recovery so im going to try my hardest!

Kirsty xxx

This isnt goodbye, its see you soon.- RIP Jimbo.

On the 27th of January we had to make the heart breaking decision to have Jimbo put to rest, with his arthritis getting worse and spreading we thought it was the kindest thing for him. The decision wasn't a easy one, we know he had a lovely 6 years with us and lived a great 23 years. he was one well loved pony, I never thought that when he cantered off with me when I first rode him we would have been so close, but we was!
He has done so much for me and helped me through so much, he gave me a purpose to keep going and gave me that reason to try and fight my demons, without him to say im finding it hard is a understatement. It is so upsetting to be down the stables and not have his cheeky character in your face. I am struggling with him not being here, he had such a massive positive impact on my life and without him I feel lost.

People say he is 'just' a horse but to me he was way way more than that he was my best friend who knew everything about how I felt and was there for me when I down,upset, he would always cheer me up!

So jimbo, I guess this isn't goodbye, its see you soon! I love you so much jimmy! :(

29months post op-

In January we saw our surgeon again, I'm defiantly having my 2 hooks removed now (yay) but I'm not sure when, my hooks do hurt a lot so I hope I'm not waiting too long, we also sadly had some news we weren't expecting from that appointment, due to Jemma having on going pain in her back, it's been suggested that she has her rods removed, this is a huge shock as she's only just a year post op! I know Jemma is scared of the chance that she may recurve again, after all her scoliosis below the Rods has increased.  She has been offered a second opinion either in Oxford or Bristol so we are now waiting for her medical records to be sorted so they can make the appointment, Jemma also has asked our gp to refer her to stanmore in London as they ate suppose to be great!
We have started the pain management programme at the hospital, let's say it's interesting,  it all about trying to manage you pain in different ways, like meditation and things, it's not really something that's going to help us but it might help others!
I'll be updating whenever I hear anything from the hospital.
Kirsty xxxx

Me,My eating disorder and I. Anorexia recovey update-

Its been a long while since I posted about my mental health so I thought id update you all, Everything in recovery was going well until the past few weeks, Im at the highest weight I've been in ages and ED hates it im having so many thoughts about being 'too fat' and that I should loose more weight again. im 45kg now up from 40kg and when I reach 46.5kg the aim will be to maintain my weight. I really am starting to freak out it to be honest as when I look in the mirror I already see fat:( im still managing  to eat my meal plan even though its getting harder, three meals, three snacks! it is a challenge still to this very day. I have an Appointment in the second week of January too see about getting my medication changed as I don't feel like it is working anymore and my GP cant change it, im hoping he will suggest some groups etc to help my anxiety as that is a defiant trigger for my eating disorder!
kirsty xxx

27 months first operation and 20 motnhs from my second-

So 7 weeks ago (tomorrow) on the 20th October Jemma had her second operation to remove a screw and a bit of rod from her back as it was thought that it was the cause of the pain. the operation was 3hours and 45mins and she spent 1d0days in hospital struggling with the pain management, She has follow up appointment next Monday (14thdecember) to see the surgeon to discuss what else can be done and whether
she will have to see a second opinion as the pain hasn't gone and is worse. I really hope he can help because at 20 she shouldn't and doesn't want to depend on pain killers.

I still haven't heard anything about my operation and if/when it will be but my Gp has finally let me have some pain relief 8mg cocodamol (1 tablet) when needed! it does help a bit but it doesn't get rid of all the pain, my next follow up appointment with Mr Mehta is onm the 4th of January so by then I hope something is sorted if not  then I honestly don't know whats going to happen

This week on Thursday  I have my last physio appt on my shoulder it has helped loads! I am able to fully use my arm now although the funny sensations and pain is still there at the moment it doesn't bother me much!
ill add some photos from jems operation stay below!!!
kirsty xxxx

25 months post op first op and 18 months post op secon op,,

Alot has been going on lately for both me and my twin! Where do I start?? Firstly we had our appointment with our surgeon on the 21st, it's both good and bad news! My twin Jemma is having to have another operation to get rid of a screw which is a hotspot on the scan, we are all hoping this will be the end of her pain but we can't be 100% , she's gutted and so scared but relieved she's being believed, I'm hopefully having my hooks out that have been causing problems for a while now and even though I'm gaining weight, the lumps don't seem to be dissappearing.

 

On the brighter note I've booked for me and max to go away for the week end 2-4th September next year ! I'm so excited and nervous , I haven't jumped since my operation but this camp I'll be jumping cross country fences, show jumping and I'll be doing dressage, it'll be good for us to go away and enjoy ourselves, problem is we are camping so I'll need a good camp bed so my back doesn't suffer too much ! Hopefully Jemma will be coming too so she can help me with max and be my groom lol.we have a lot of preparation for this so I need to make sure my weight goes up and my back is as pain free as possible!

I'll update you in the future with dates of Jemma's operation and what's happening with my back !

Kirsty xxx

11 reasons why we should recover from our eating disorders-

well I have been thinking a lot and since im struggling a lot with my Mental health I thought id post right now some positives things in hope they'd help me and others-

1:- Life is more than about counting calories and weighing out things.
2:- There is more to us than how much we weigh.
3:- your overall health will be better,(no more being super cold, dizzy and feeling faint)
4:-You will be in control of your life not your eating disorder.
5:- People will compliment on the positives and not the negatives (how healthy you look and how much better your looking).
6:- you will be able to go to social occasions and not have to worry about food.
7:- You wont constantly worry about how many calories you have eaten.
8:- Being Skinny wont solve your problems, there are other ways to cope.
9:- Being tired all the time is no fun.
10:-you concentration will be better
11:- You can wear and buy clothes that fit your age group.

recovery isn't easy, I myself am struggling, but I know we all can do it!
kirsty xxx

108 weeks (25months)1st post op and 78 weeks (17months) post 2nd op-

Wow a lot has happened lately, to start with on the 8th of August I did my very first dressage test on our pony max, we did well considering he had only been in work 4 weeks prior doing the test! we scored 63.9% meaning we came in 5th place. I loved it so did max! I will add some photos below:)

On the 10th August we saw Mr Mehta because a few painful lumps have appeared on my back, they really hurt especially when I lean against something, if its my hooks, then he can remove them, he rquested a CT scan to check everything hasn't moved etc which I had 28th . We go back on the 21st of this month for the results and jemma has an appointment to see him aswell as she had to have a Spect CT, 8months on from her operation and she is still on morphine and very strong painkillers which isn't right, I really hope something shows up so they can get it sorted for her!.

Next week I start physio again, this is way over due considering Mr Mehta asked for it ages ago. im hoping they can help strengthen my lower back and help with my shoulder pain. I have been taking a lot of pain killers recently so im really hoping it will help.
kirsty xxxx

2 YEARS POST OP-

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my first operation! I can't believe it,it seems like yesterday that I was in hospital. The pain,fear and tears were worth everything, I'm so much more happier with myself and the way I look. It has been an emotional rollercoster and a hard few years but I feel that part of it has made me who I am today! I still have pain, but it's not what I used to have, oh no. It's a lot different, Its better I would say.

I know no longer worry about what clothes I wear to cover my back or who is looking at me, I am starting to expect my body for the way it is. I can't thank both my surgeons enough for what they have done for me, I'll forever be greatful:)

Next week I see mr Mehta for a follow up appointment, origally my appointment was in September but mr Mehta Recieved a letter from my GP regarding a few lumps that have appeared on my back,they hurt, especially when lent on so I'm hoping to get that sorted on monday:):)

Saturday is my first post op horse show, instead of my useual pre op jumping, I'll be doing a dressage test (intro B) I'm both excited and nervous for that!

Kirsty xxxx

100weeks (23months) post my 1st op and 70 weeks (15months) post my second op-

I haven't posted on here for a while but I thought id post to fill everyone in about whats going on in my life.
Well last Tuesday I saw Mr green (Shoulder surgeon) and all the tests he had previously done came back with all good news! yay, I have been reffered to physio again but this time they can try help do things more a little harder, hopefully I should get the power in my arm back fully but its going to take a lot of work:) im up for it though.

Jemma had her 6 month check up yesterday and she's been having problems and pain since her fall in April, she landed very hard on the concrete so Mr Mehta is going to repeat the CT scan she had before that fall and see if things have moved etc. she is sadly still on the pain killers she left the hospital on, but im hoping in time things will get better.

My back has been good lately! I still have aches and pains but im doing my best just to carry on, I spoke to Mr Mehta yesterday (robbed jem's appointment again.... Ooops!) because I really want to start riding again, badly, so I asked if he could write me a letter for the RDA (riding for the disabled) to clear me to start having a few lessons, which is a start, I am wanting in the future to compete my max again but that's going to take work and time as I have to still learn how to adjust, who knows maybe I will surprise myself and it wont be as hard as im thinking it will be? We sadly had to retire Jimbo (our other horse), because he's arthritis is getting bad and


you can tell he know longer wants to be ridden, its upsetting since I haven't really rode in in 2 years. yeah ok I got on him and had a little walk around now and again, but nothing like going on hacks etc which he loved.


I cant believe in a month it will mark the 2 year anniversary of my operation! wow, looking back I cant believe how far I have come and what things I have achieved (little for some big for me!), I will always be very grateful to Mr Mehta and Mr Marks, my life is so much better and I have a much more positive out look on my life.

I've attached a few photos below of mine and jemma's scar and also a photo with Mr Mehta whilst we were at jemma's appointment.:)

Kirsty xxx

94weeks(22months) post 1st operation and 64 weeks(14months) post the 2nd-

Ive been super busy the past few weeks, so much has gone on and ive had quite a few appointments.
to start with I have been seeing the ED service every weeks to get weighed, gaining weight is so hard emotionally, mentally and physically! the past few weeks I have gained,

13th may- 0.2kg,
20th may- 0.2kg
28th may- 0.8kg!! meaning I now weigh, 42.5kg!

that weight may not seem much to some people but to me it is, its a huge, when that number came up on the scales, I wanted to just cry, it really freaked me out and got my anxiety going, its the most ive weighed in ages! what makes things worse is the bloating- my stomach is huge and it hurts!, im finding it hard to look in the mirror and see my stomach. because of my weight I have been told I cannot exercise or do anything so basically I can sit on the sofa but have to be 'mindful' of what I am doing around the house. its so hard not going back to restricting when you have something telling you that you've  gained enough and that your getting fatter and fatter with every junk food that you have to eat:(.
this is what my current meal plan looks like- there is way to much food I say!, each time I don't gain I get an increase:(-

Breakfast-2 slices of toast with biscuit spread,30g coco pops in semi skimmed milk, coffee

Snack-(250calories) A 50g chocolate bar, like a 4 finger kitcat or a yorkie, mars  bar, snicker etc.. and a cup of tea

Lunch- Ham an lettuce Sandwich, petits filous yoghurt, apple and grape snack bag AND a packet of mini ritz biscuits.

Snack- cereal bar of some sort, (nature valley honey and oats bar, nutrigrain bar or I can sometimes have a coco pops bar instead/). cup of tea/coffee

Dinner- fish or meat (useually like salmon or chicken maybe),2  potato waffles or 5 smiley faces, baked beans OR vegetables)

Dessert- Ambrosia custard pot, 50g chocolate bar, anything dessert like really

Snack- 2 slices of toast with biscuit spread/strawberry jam. (or 1 slice of toast if its too much), milky drink (coffee, tea, hot chocolate, glass of milk

I did have some good news though, on the 20th of may I had my mental health follow up and after my ed team talking with the mental health doctor it has been decided that I don't need inpatient treatment and I can be treated as an out patient, they are going to let my ed team take full charge and they'll be in the back ground in case they are needed, I will have another follow up appointment in 6months!- WOO!

Yesterday I had my EMG and nerve testing studies on my shoulder, Mr green wanted to check if my shoulder is working ok, it did hurt, the first test was like spinal cord monitoring it was kind of funny to see my fingers and arm flying about! the second test was checking my muscles and a needle had to be poked in, this one hurt a bit, my arm is quite sore today but it was expected really I see Mr green
in a few weeks for my follow up and to see what he says about the tests.

Kirsty xxxx

91weeks(22months) post 1st and 61weeks(14months) second operation-

On Tuesday I saw Mr green (the shoulder specialist) and thankfully we had some reassuring news that I wont need an operation on my shoulder (yay), he said by description of my pain and things it seems I have a nerve pain syndrome which can actually occur after a fall etc (meaning it may have happened when my horse knocked me over), so he is sending me for some nerve tests on my shoulder and I go back and see him in around 6 weeks, so in all I think it was surprisingly good news!:):)

well this Tuesday I have a pain management appointment, it was suppose to be in August but to be honest im struggling again with my pain, so they have brought it forward, also on Tuesday me and jemma have our lung function tests (oh the fun!) hopefully my lung capacity hasn't got any worse I have been noticing  that I am starting to struggle again, its not as bad as before thought.

Kirsty xx

The aim is to gain- The start of my eating disorder recovery!

Well for me this is quite a big post, For all that didn't know I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in September 2014 and since then my weight has dropped quite abit. at my lowest weight I was 40kg (6 stone) and my Bmi stood at around 17 (anything that's a bmi of 18.5 or below is considered underweight and unhealthy).

Yesterday I had my very first appointment with the eating disorder service, and after a talk with them im putting all my trust in them not to back me fat or give me fat rolls and taking the massive step in getting better help, which means starting to recover, slowly getting to a decent weight and then the mental help will follow on after that. I had to sign a sheet on paper agreeing to the help, meaning im seeing them every week until ive gain enough then they will think about maintaining my weight.

Ive been put on a meal plan (ill post below) that seems to be a 2000+ calorie meal plan, for me thats a lot of food! im used to only eating around 1000< calories of the same food every day but now this is a challenge as im having to gradually add in my fear foods/bad foods and eat a hell of a lot more/ The out patient target is 0.5kg a week and the inpatient target is 1kg a week!

I was told a typical day on a inpatient unit is,
breakfast-8:15am-9:15am,

Sitting-9:15am-10:15am
Snack- 10:15am-11:15am
Sitting- 11:15am-12:15pm
Lunch- 12:15pm-1:15pm
Sitting- 1:15pm-2:15pm
Snack- 2:15pm-3:15pm
Sitting- 3:15pm-4:15pm
Dinner- 4:15pm-5:15pm
Sitting- 6:15pm-7:15pm
Snack- 7:15pm-8:15pm
Sitting- 8:15pm-9:15pm
every day!

im not aloud to do anymore exercise than I already am doing, I did ask about it because my surgeon said swimming would be good but the ED team said I cant until ive gained weight:(, They ed nurse seems quite strict and has said if the targets aren't met she does and will have ago at you!

this is going to be hard and such a challenge but im sure I can do it:) xxxx

89weeks(21months) post first op and 59 weeks(13months) post the second-

Its been a good few weeks since ive posted on here but I've been so busy with appointments and things (ill do a separate post on the main reason later). I gained some good news from the appointment from Mr Mehta, there isn't anything he can see that's wrong with my lower back, but that means he doesn't know why I am having pain there, maybe its pressure or lack of fat but I am going to start physio for it soon and im also having a lung function test to see if my lung function has got any worse/better since my operation as im starting to struggle again, not like before that's for sure but it is worrying me. I have an appointment next week to see my gp and hopefully she will let me have some better pain relief as paracetamol isn't helping at all.

Ive finally got an appointment to see the shoulder specialist! its on the 5th of may so a few days after my 20th birthday! jemma has also got an appointment to see a shoulder specialist too but its a different one a few weeks after.
that's all for this post!
Kirsty xxxx

86weeks (21months) post my 1st op and 56 weeks (13months) post my second!-

These past few weeks have been pretty boring nothing has really happened apart from getting a phone call on Wednesday from the spinal nurse to say that Mr mehta has seen my CT scan and wants to see me in clinic, not sure why, but Im hoping it's not bad news. The appointment is on Tuesday (7th), so only have two days untill we find out now:)
Hats all I have got to say really nothing else had happened!
Kirsty xxxxx

84weeks (20months) post my 1st op and 54weeks(12months) post my 2nd operation-

Gosh well what a busy busy 2 weeks! I haven't really had time to think to be honest, to start with I had my mental health assesment the day after I posted last well let's just say that was eventful and not what I was expecting at all, with everything that is going on and with my age they are reffering me to a eating disorder consultant, as they only have a eating disorder nurse (I'll see her too!) and they feel I need more help, with the bmi I had (17) they wanted to admit me into the hospital for a few weeks but because I said no, they have sent their home treatment team around my house twice a week untill I am able to be n outpatient again, the doctoring saw also has put my name on the waiting lists for a bed on 2 separate eating disorder units as she feels it would really benefit me, because my bmi isn't 16.5 or below they thankfully can't force me so it's my choice:). The doctor also upped my flouxetine upto 40mg and I aim struggling tocope as I'm so tired and drained which I wasn't before hand, I've also saw my dietitan on Thursday (4days ago) and she has gave me some great tips on how to up my food intake and face my many fear foods!:) I also have somehow managed to gain 1.4kg!! Which everyone says is good! I'm 41.4kg now, I'm not so sure on how I feel about it as I haven't ate any more than I was before... Hmmm
I had my ct scan on my lower back Monday, hopefully we will get the results back sooner rather than later as my back is super sore:(

There's not much else going on with me ATM, as you can tell I lead a very very exciting life....not!!!
Kirsty xxxx

82weeks(20months) post my first op and 52weeks(12months!) post the second-

Wow I've been quite busy the past few weeks doing a number of things so I haven't had much time to post anything. Well where to I start?

On the 4th march I tuned a year post my second operation, I cannot believe a year ago I had my left rod trimmed! It doesn't seem that long ago at all. I feels just like yesterday that I was nervously going into the hospital for te second time!

My back is still very achey and sore and I do get pain at the bottom, sadly my GP still won't give me anything and I've been told now just to take 1 paracetamol! If 2 doesn't work, what good would 1 do? Not much :(,I still can't get gabapentin for my nerve pain nor have I had an appointment for my ct scan on my lower back.

I have a mental health assesment tomorrow, I'm not looking forward to it at all, I've lost more weight so I'm now 40kg, so my CBT therapist rang my GP as he was concerned and she was also concerned so she's refered me to get more hope, they hope I can get help from the eating disorder service as my CBT therapist has already made the specialist aware of my case apparently:/

I'll update you all on the outcome of things in the week:)

Kirsty xxxxx

79weeks(19months) post 1st op and 49weeks (11months) post the second-

Monday we saw Mr Mehta for my sisters 6 weeks check up and we also saw him for me at the same time for a results! (lucky him...I think not!) to start off jem's back is looking lovely!  she is having to have a few tests done because of her pain though, she had the xray when we were there and the CT scan Friday, so we are now just waiting for the Ultra sounds scan and the follow up appointment:)

I do have some good news for me though! my spine does seemed to have fused!!!! weheyyy!  also my Ultra sound scan came back that they couldn't find anything wrong with my shoulder and why it hurts, so im having to go see shoulder specialist. I also asked him to measure my post op xrays and guess what? im so proud and happy! my kyphosis has gone from 95degrees to 55degrees! yay!

Im still not able to do anything with the ponies :( its a shame really as the show jumping season starts in may and I really wanted to go to my local shows again, like I did before my operation, infact I was hoping for everything to be able to go back to 'normal' but I guess not. I really do miss it to be honest, I haven't rode properly for 19 months! longest time I have ever gone.

its quite funny really, when first talking about the operation when I was 16/17 my consultant at the time said id be able to go back to it at 6-12months then it was more like 12months now its been longer and im still not on board:(

It seems everything revolves around weight and what is said on the scales, cant do anything until I gain weight but that in its self is so so so hard! im petrified im going to be fat, I don't want to look in the mirror and see fat rolls like I did before, its hard for someone else to understand, I know people who  are thinking 'its only a bit of weight, it wont be that hard to put on' its not just about the physical change its about the mental change as well, I have accept it, which at the moment im finding so hard to do. to me its a scary prospect. It will be hard to accept it and it will be even harder to gain the weight.. to get to the weight my Gp wanted me I have to put on 9kg!! to get a BMI of 18.5 (minimum of healthy weight) I have to put on 5kg, that's going to take a lot of food!

I saw my Gp on Tuesday, and she is really happy the tablets are starting to help with my anxiety but she also mentioned something else she has been thinking of since meeting me back in September. She is thinking that I have a learning disability! again how could that be possible and how can people only just if picked up on it? it doesn't make much sense to be honest, anyway to her it does and she is going through all my medical records in the next week or so and ill see her in the next few weeks, if she does really think I have one then she is sending me to see a learning disability specialist.

why cant anything seem to be going good at the moment? it seems I just get bad news after bad news!
not good at all.
ive included a photo of my post op xray:D so happy
Kirsty xxxx

78weeks(19months) post first op and 48 weeks (11months) post the second operation- )

So on Monday I saw my CPN again, I haven't seen her since well before Christmas so this appointment was overdue.. So I though.. Apparently now because I am seeing a CBT therapist I am no longer allowed to see her and have appointments with her, it seems all the time and work, I've put in for her (thoughts sheets, feeling sheets) were a waste, she couldn't even look at them as it would be classed as interfering!  I am only allowed to go back o see her if I don't think CBT is working ( and even then she can't do much!). I find CBT ok I guess, I don't always understand what he is on about and some of it goes over my head but I dont think I've done it longer enough for it to help...I only have 3 or 4 sessions left, so I don't know where to go from tere to be honest. The flouxetine seems to be helping with my anxiety a bit, it's not as bad as it was. It's still there but I feel slightly happier and calmer, which is lovely!!!

Tuesday I went to my pain management appointment and there isn't really anything else apart from lasering every few monts they can do:/ I doubt I can stand leaving it for a long time, I keep getting flare ups. The PM doctor can also only suggest meds to my GP to help ( because of my other tablets I'm on) so I don't think I'll be allowed those.

Tomorrow is a new week- woo!! We are seeing mr Mehta tomorrow for an emergency appointment- my sister is having some trouble since her operation so our GP wants her to get check out as soon as really, meaning I get the dreaded SPECT ct scan ad then my ultra sound results off my physio as I have that tomorrow too!-  going to be a hell of a stressful long day.

Kirsty:) xxx